An Idiot's Guide to Self Insertion
by Muffin Puffin Lackeys
Summary: [a satire of bad SI] All you need to know about horibble mary sue-ish self-inserts and a whole lot more, including the troubles with co-writing, what a social contract is, and why you need to pay attention to your English teacher.
1. The Wonders of Self Insertion

**An Idiot's Guide to Self-Insertion**

Everything you ever wanted to know about writing lame self-insert fics...and a lot of Kurama.

Author's Notes:

Caution: This fic is rated FGPL (fangirl parody lovers), for scenes of brutal jabs at non-specific authoresses, nauseatingly realistic fangirl priorities, horribly blown-out-of-proportion self-description imitations, and EXTREMELY minor language (we're putting this up for all the Ned Flanders in the viewing audience).

FYI: As the fanfic progresses, you may come across sentences in bold, italic, and underline. These are the authoresses' words as they write the fic.

**BOLD: **Mary Sue (MS is a bold person. ::falls on floor laughing:: that's the understatement of the year!)

UNDERLINED: BeagleBLOOMerz (underlining makes words taller, and lord knows Beagle doesn't need to be any taller)

_ITALIC: _TypoNumber5 (italics are usually associated with slurring, and slurring is usually associated with drunks, psychos, and loons. It's Typo, need we say more?)

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"_....Kurama gazedf down at Demongrl439, his eyes warm with fireyt pashion, and he pushed a strand of bueatiful, wispy, goldenm locks away from her face as he leaned down to plant an kissd on her appealing lips, and she wraps her slender arms around his strong neck, and he is pulling apartr and gazed once more into her soleful bluew flecked with silver eyesbefore lean down onse more share a magic moment with her. The eNd."_

"That was so... BEAUTIFUL," Mary Sue gasped as she tore her glazed eyes away from her computer screen. She grabbed another handful of Kleenex from the box she was clutching to her heart. "I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME!!" she sobbed, and whirled forcefully around in her spinney computer chair for emphasis. She ripped the cordless phone from its cradle and pushed the speed dial button for BeagleBLOOMerz's cell number.

-:-:-:-:-

_The beautiful, rainbow-colored, sparkly butterfly glided smoothly to a halt on top of the pink-and-green spotted mushroom. Random-Hot-Faerie-Dude helped Beagle down from the butterfly and they fluttered a short distance to a flowery vine, where they alighted onto a petal-loveseat. R-H-F-D took Beagle's hand in his and gazed into her eyes. "Beagle," he said in a soft, masculine-sounding voice, "I can't describe it. When I'm with you...." a computerized tune emanated from his lips, drowning out the next words. Through her dreaming haze, Beagle realized it was Jessica Simpson's "With You". She frantically strained her pointed ears to hear what he was saying, but all she could hear was-_

Beagle emerged from her dream world with the ring-tone still in her ears. In a huff, she wrenched her fluffy pink facemask from her eyes and slammed her fist against the nearest wall in frustration, ignoring the fact that all her posters immediately crashed to the floor. "GOD!! That ALWAYS happens!!" she grumbled as she pressed the "Talk" button on her spiffy new pink cell phone. "Hello?????"

"Ohmygodireadthebestficit'slikeKuramaandthisfangirlandthey'reinloveand-"

Sue's high-pitched chipmunk voice screeched in Beagle's ear. Beagle slumped down into the sea of pillows and stuffed animals surrounding her and grabbed her Kyo plushy.

"-AND I WANNA DO THAT TOO!!!!"

"Sue, why are you calling me at 3 in the morning?"

"We have to 3-way Typo and then we'll ALL write a self-insertion-"

"Sue, I was ASLEEP."

"And then we'll ALL have our own bishies and we can be like-"

"Sue, I WAS HAVING THIS REALLY AWESOME DREAM AND THE FAERIE GUY WAS ABOUT TO KISS ME AND YOU WOKE ME-"

Riiiiiiinnnggg.

Riiiiiiiinnnggg.

"Heeeelllllooooeewww???" Typo picked up.

"Ohmygodireadthebestficit'slikeKuramaandthisfangirlandthey'reinloveand-"

"AND WE WERE RIDING A _BUTTERFLY_! THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY-"

"-anditwasSOOcoolandIwanttodothattooyouhearmeTypo?I WANNA DO THAT TOO!!!!"

Typo blinked. "Oh, hi guys. I didn't know YOU stayed up this late too!" She grinned and took another gulp of the supersaturated sugar-and-soda mixture she was drinking.

"Okay, so you guys are getting over here NOW!!" Sue screamed.

"And I'll NEVER be able to get back to that dream AGAIN!!" Beagle was rudely cut off by the dial tone.

"HA!" Sue cried triumphantly as she pushed the big, shiny red button hidden under the permanently installed fake coke can that stood on her computer desk.

Immediately, twin trap doors in Typo and Beagle's bedrooms opened up below their feet and they began the long, stomach-twisting, gut-wrenching slide down identical chutes until they slid to a halt, side by side with a glass panel separating them. The round floor-segment which they were seated on began to vibrate, and then suddenly catapulted Beagle and Typo into the air, where matching hang gliders descended from trap doors in the ceiling and Beagle and Typo grabbed hold for dear life, and the gliders shot forward, around the corner, into the hall, around ANOTHER corner, and then slowly crept into Susan's computer room. Sue pushed another button, this time green and hidden beneath a half-filled coffee mug sitting on the keyboard tray, and purple fuzzy chairs folded up from under the white carpet. Beagle and Typo dumbfoundedly let go of the hang-gliders and dropped into the chairs.

The new arrivals stared wide-eyed ahead at the randomly placed DN Angel poster on the wall facing them. Beagle slowly lifted her hands to straighten her fluffy pink PJ pants, and Typo, still clutching the soda, yanked her I -heart- NY shirt into place and patted down her hair which by now was on the verge of an Afro.

".......wow........" the New York lover said in awe. Beagle had the look of a demented chipmunk face-to-face with a John Deere tractor, and her Kyo plushy looked as though its head was about to be squeezed off.

The high-back computer chair in front of them gradually turned around, revealing Mary Sue in all her fur-collared lavender robed glory. "Hello," she said, smirking at them over steepled fingers. "And welcome to my-" the chair continued on its set path on its axel, bringing Mary Sue back around to face her computer. She hastily pushed back from the desk and wheeled her chair back around to face her captives-err.... friends. "Eh, ANYWAY, do you like the new chutes I've installed in my home?"

They stared incredulously at her.

"Okay, and in YOUR homes."

Already saucer-plate sized eyes widened.

"Fine! AND under many acres of private and public property."

A dawn of enlightenment crept over Typo's face. "Whoa. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!!" She dived for the door, but not before Sue pressed another of her cleverly concealed buttons and the door slammed shut.

"Pipe down, you foozle!" Sue cried.

"That's MY word!" Typo whined.

"Now, I suppose you all are wondering why I summoned you here tonight."

Beagle timidly raised a hand.

"Yes?"

"Umm.... technically, it's morning." She added hastily, "ma'am."

"But...but 'tonight' sounds so much better!"

As all this was going on, Typo had scooted her fluffy purple chair towards Sue's computer and had opened up _Word_.

"Now," Sue continued, "we are going to write a fanfic, and it shall be a nifty self-insertion one, where I get to glomp-err....I mean, WE get to glomp ALL our bishies! Like whenever we want!"

Beagle sunk down into her chair, and suddenly realized it was lavender scented.

"SO, we're going to get into _Word_, and then start-" as she spun around to gesture towards the computer, she noticed that Typo was already there. "Eh, right. Right, RIGHT, Typo, you are really good at following directions!" she beamed.

Typo, despite being the world's biggest computer nerd, PAINSTAKINGLY jabbed at the keyboard with her finger. Beagle wheeled her chair over to look over Typo's shoulder.

"'Sprosdic Rose Petal Fantrasies'...?" she read aloud.

"Eh, heh heh? Why don't YOU type, Beagle?" she said and graciously veered her chair out of the way. Beagle grinned, stretched her fingers, popped her neck, and took up her place at the computer:

: : : ::!--(-&-)(-$-!-$-)(-&-)--!:: : : :

Sunlight peeped in Beagle's window. It gradually stretched itself across her bureau, chair, and finally onto her bed covers. Her lovely dreams of faeries, butterflies, and true love faded, and the real world suddenly came into focus-

**Aw, come on Beagle, cut to the part where I glomp Kurama!**

Well, even the worst authoresses at least EXPLAIN how they get to the bishies' world!

**Fine, but make it short!**

One day, Typo, Sue, and Beagle were walking to school from Typo's house. It was a wet, rainy day. Suddenly, as they were discussing the day's Geometry homework, a big, red truck sped by them, splashing through the puddle they happened to be walking by, and splattering them with muddy water. For a second, they were blinded by the muck, but as they rubbed their eyes to clear their vision, they realized that this was not the same world they had just left. They were still standing on a sidewalk, but this sidewalk was bright white, for the sun was shining in this world. The authoresses were standing in front of what appeared to be a high school. Just as they were catching their breath, a bell rung somewhere in that vicinity, and a few minutes later, students started wandering out of the building in various groups. They looked to be fairly normal teenagers, except for one thing: they were wearing the world's worst school uniforms. But not just any horrible school uniforms: the boys were clad in magenta, and the girls in vivid red. This seemed familiar.

Typo squinted up at the sign by which they were standing, completely ignoring the Kanji she had absolutely no hope of deciphering, and began to sound the out the ITTY-BITTY Hiragana printed above it: "MAAAAY-eeeeeeOOOO-EEEWWWW. Gee, I wonder what that could mean?" She smiled benignly.

Mary Sue pondered this for a moment, and then stared up at the sign. She looked back toward Typo, and thought a bit more before her eyes snapped open and her entire body went rigid. "Meiou, you nitwit!! That's KURAMA'S school! We're HERE!" She began hopping up and down excitedly like a bunny on steroids. "Where's Kurama? Where's Kurama?? Where's Kurama??? Where's Kurama????"

Whoa! OMG, I look HORRIBLE!! Why am I still dressed like this??

**Beagle, it's 3:30 in the morning, no one cares how you look! NOW TYPE!!**

Heck NO!!! What if someone calls me??

_Uh, Beagle, do you have a phone cam?_

No....

_Then why does it matter what you look like?_

Shut up. Don't touch ANYTHING while I'm gone, you guys!

**.....YES! She's gone! I'M typing now!**

_Oooh, you got new manga......._

Suddenly, the crowd parted, revealing the closed double doors in the act of bursting open at the hands of the recently transformed Youko Kurama. He strode a few steps into the parking lot, and his ears began to twitch. He had picked up the scent of an extraordinarily gorgeous girl in the area, and his heart would not rest until he found her. Suddenly, he spotted her. Standing with two ordinary, plain looking girls, was the most beautiful creature, demon, human, or even deity, his amber eyes had ever been so blessed to look upon. As she turned around, laughing with her friends, wisps of raven-black, silky hair floated across her face, and the rest of it was blown behind her in a soft, shining wave. Her eyes took his breath away, sparkling as if the stars themselves had alighted beneath her eyelashes. They were made up of the loveliest combinations of shades of brown: mahogany, amber, chestnut, and burnt sierra crystallizing together to form prisms of radiant light that captivated the onlooker, and seemed to unleash the spirit of the mind-

_Uh...hey, Sue, looks like you made a typo there._

**WHAT?? No I didn't! Now go away, I'm in the middle of the best part.**

_No, seriously, right there!_

**Where?**

_There._

**I spell-checked this thing like 3 billion times.**

_Yeah, but it's one of those grammar things where the computer doesn't pick it up because it's the right WORD, just not the right context, like "too" and "to"....well, and "two" for that matter-_

**Okay, okay FINE! Just fix the stupid thing.**

_Heh heh....._

**-**and all that stuff. But THEN, Kurama realized that it was not the soot-black haired, muddy brown-eyed girl that was the apple of his eye, but her seemingly unattractive friend. For she was not unattractive, but rather the most perfect specimen of female existence he had ever encountered, even from a distance. The sunlight filtered through the trees over her head, highlighting the dark-chocolate brown curls cascading down her back. She opened her mouth and bell-like laughter pealed through the crisp autumn air. Pearl-white teeth revealed themselves as her sweetly shaped lips curled into a grin-

Whoa, you guys! What the crap did you DO????

**Umm...Beagle, why are you wearing a lacy halter-top and pleated mini-skirt?**

Because it looks good on me, okay! But anyway, you destroyed the morality of the fic! Where is the innocence? Where is the friendship, the integrity, the loyalty to one's fellow authoresses?? WHERE IS THE LOVE??

**Wait... hold on a second, Typo, you didn't fix a grammatical error, you wrote an entire paragraph!**

.... I mean, if you can't trust the people you write fanfiction with, who can you trust?? Don't you understand? Together we must stand, or together we shall fall.

**THAT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!!**

_Um...well, what happened, um, was...I was trying to uh, make you look..umm..BETTER...because, uh..._

**ME!!!!!!**

_No, wait, MarySue, what are you doing? GAAAAAAAHHH!! That BURNS!!!!_

We can't quarrel over trivial things like bishies, or even real-life guys. They will come and go, but our friendship will stand true.

**MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!**

Ah, screw it. If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em!

-that paled in comparison to the third girl's radiant exquisiteness. Her hair out-shined her two friends' by at least 26 sunglasses protection units. As she tossed it carelessly over her curved, slender shoulder, the sun caught it in all its natural blonde highlighted brunette glory. The perfect layers floated around her face, framing its ovular perfection, like a halo of golden-brown waves. Her extraordinary green eyes were softly outlined by long, smoky eyelashes, and the light flashed and danced in them as she smiled endearingly. And that smile, it brought back memories of all the good things that had ever happened in his life, and it chased away all the sadness and pain in a heartbeat-

_Sue, STOP!!!! I swear, if you kick me one more time I-Whoa, Beagle?? What the crap'd you write??_

Oh, listen to the koala calling the kangaroo a marsupial.

_But, but....I was only making fun of Sue's horrible writing, I was gonna delete-Sue, Sue stop looking at me like that. No, I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! GAAAAHH! MY HAIR!!! _

I'll just take this opportunity to inconspicuously leave the room.....

**Oh NO YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!**

owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie STO-O-OP!! ................ There, sorry Sue, I didn't WANT to knock you out, but it was absolutely necessary. You know, we need to do something to stop this stuff from happening. Like a contract.

_A SOCIAL contract???_

Well, umm.... we're not bargaining with a government to give up some freedom in order for them to provide protection.

_But what if we had a government made up of muffins, and then puffins??_

Oh, and then like our freedoms would be like the stuff we wouldn't be allowed to do, and the protection would be from...err....ourselves. Or more like Sue.

**Hey...aw, it feels like someone shoved a bowling ball in my ear. What are you guys talking about....?**

_A social contract!_

**Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna cut this off here.**

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Mary Sue's AN:

Okay, so this is sorta weird, but I promise, more bishies in second chapter. Or ...substitute bishies .....and a lot of Kurama ......I love Kurama ......so anyway, a few things need to be cleared up:

1. We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

2. We would like to own Yu Yu Hakusho.

3. You do not WANT us to own Yu Yu Hakusho.

4. Kurama does not wear socks.

5. Puffins and muffins are not some clever, obsessee-only inside joke from YYH, nor do they have anything whatsoever to do with anything. They are simply figures created in our own sick, twisted, and highly in need of purpose in life imaginations.

6. Everything in this fic, from the first indenture even down to the last pixel of punctuation in this authoress's note, is a parody of other, horribly written, dangerously nauseating fanfics all over No offense to authors of fics in this category; although, if they DID write in this category, they probably wouldn't admit their fics were such.

7. Finally, my hair really IS silky, but it's not raven black. It's dark dark dark dark dark dark dark DARK brown. Thank you.


	2. Life with a Social Contract

Chapter 2

RULES AND REGULATIONS OF SELF-INSERTION FANFICS FOR AUTHORESSES © 2004

I. Authoresses in possession of bishonen may not, under any circumstances, use flirtatiousness, seduction, and/or brute force to attempt to obtain bishonen already claimed by other authoresses. If caught in such acts, they will be severely punished by penalty of a large, green parakeet sprouting out of their upper left ear and squawking the "I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves" song at them periodically.

II. Authoresses shall not use the word, "antidisestablishmentarianism" except to point out how gosh darn smart they are. They may not use this word in its correct context. If found disobeying this rule, they shall be severely punished by penalty of two giant, unabridged dictionaries binding themselves to the soles of their feet and spouting facts of knowledge at them constantly.

III. If an authoress is caught in the act and/or evidence is found incriminating them of using objects that defy the laws of physics, gravity, and/or human capabilities (i.e., magic) to enhance their fanfic experiences without a permit granted by the Honorable Judge Puffin, they will be severely punished by penalty of being forced to wear hideous, knitted, green-plaid toe-socks that make the wearer's feet execute a whirl-wind salsa dance for the entire time of punishment. Such items prohibited include, but are not limited too, the following:

•Wands

•Possessed Empty Coffee Cans

•Orbs

•Broomsticks

•Books

•Nifty Pointed Hats

IV. Authoresses shall not use their powers to kill off other authoresses, nor shall they use them to maim/injure their fellows. Those found guilty of such crimes shall be severely punished by penalty of a nagging little child following them everywhere and whacking them over the head with a lollypop at random intervals.

V. An authoress bound by this code may not, under any circumstances, kill off characters already in the show they are inserting themselves in, no matter how ugly, maniacal, rude, or fashion deprived they may be. Those blameworthy of this heinous act shall be severely punished by connection at the middle finger to the character(s) they tried to dispose of.

VI. Authoresses may not squeeze their toothpaste tubes from the middle, under penalty of death.

VII. Descriptions of an authoress's person, garments, or bishonen shall be limited to one page, maximum. Offenders will be severely punished by penalty of cheesy beach souvenir bobble-heads doing the Mexican hat dance atop their heads.

All penalties listed above shall last for 24 hours. An authoress may, under special circumstances, be granted a permit to carry out one of these actions, but these occasions are extremely rare. Directly after violating a rule, the offender shall be automatically transported to the court of the Honorable Judge Puffin and his prestigious Jury of Muffins where they shall be tried to the fullest extent of fanfiction law. Authoresses, Bishonen, Characters, and Inanimate Objects having witnesses the crime will also be transported, and the fic shall freeze until court adjourns.

I understand the rules, regulations, and punishments listed above, and realize that if I disobey a rule, I will be punished.

X_ TypoNumber5_

X BeagleBLOOMerz

X **Mary Sue of Maryville**

--$--$--$--$--$--

Woah...this is on a 12th grade reading level. . . .

_SPIFFY!!!_

**WAAAAAAHHHH!!! I-it's-ss..... all you-you're....... F-FAULT!!!! All I wanted t-to-TO DO WAS G-Gl-GLOMP K-K-URAMA-AH-AH-AH-AH AND HAVE HIM ALL TO MYSELF!! I-issss th-that SOOO much to AAASSSKKKKK???? I-IS ITTTTT??????**

_Don't worry Sue. With a contract, we'll ALL be happy in the end. You might not get every bishie in the story, but at least at the end of the day our limbs will be safely connected to our bodies and won't be twisted at odd angles._

Hmm.... twelfth grade. . . .

_OWW!! What was that for??_

**S'ALLL YOOOU'RE FOOOAAAUUULLLTTTTT!! Anh-hanh, anh-hanh, WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!**

: : : ::!--(-&-)(-$-!-$-)(-&-)--!:: : : :

Kurama ambled through Meiou High's double-doors, bag slung over his shoulder. _Oh yes,_ he thought to himself, _I'm supposed to meet Hiei at the park today. _He nodded at some 3rd year girls looking his way, waved at his 1st period lab partner sitting over by the bench, and strolled across the crosswalk to step onto the lush green grass of the park over the street from the high school. Just as he was checking his watch, he heard an odd noise coming from a bush.

"Teehee!!"

A rustling sound, then a dull thud seemingly of a hand making contact with a skull. Was that a human groan?

He frowned and peered in the direction of the sound.

"Kurama. I've been waiting for you."

Kurama whirled around to see Hiei standing in front of him, arms folded behind his back.

"Hello, Hiei. Did you hear that noise coming from the rhododendron bush over there?"

Hiei pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing three limp girls: two small ones held roughly by the scruffs of their necks in one hand, and a taller one in a similar position in the other. We're not exactly sure how he managed to conceal three teenage girls behind his small frame; perhaps it was the hair. "You mean these pathetic things' scufflings?"

Kurama's brow furrowed. ".... Yes. . . ." Suddenly, one of the smaller ones bit Hiei's hand and jumped to the ground causing him to release her and the other in disgust. She brushed the twigs and dust from her clothes. And what strange clothes they were. She was wearing-

**No no no!! At LEAST let me write this part!!**

Fine, but no more than a page, remember.

-a beautiful silk gown, in the traditional Chinese style....except prettier. It was black, with a weird, I-Don't-Remember-the-Name-For-It collar/neckline (it's the one with the turtle-neck-type thing that's folded over and then has the little buttons . . like Yuki Sohma in Fruits Basket wears occasionally) and stitched red, orange, yellow, and purple blossoms creeping up the embroidered vine running along the knee-length slit. The sleeves cut off at the shoulders, and matching black silk, elbow-length gloves adorned her petit hands and forearms. Her dark-dark-dark-dark brown hair was elegantly pulled up in chopsticks, and she was wearing Wine-Dipped-Cherry lipstick from Mac, as well as perfectly applied eyeliner and shimmery shadow.

Okay, that's good! No more, you'll get carried away. 

The girl straightened up. "Remember me, Suuiji, or should I say, Youkou?" A smirk played on her lips, and she raised an eyebrow.

"Eh..... no. No I don't."

"Well, you wouldn't remember me like this, of course. I," she paused dramatically, " **_I_** am the REINCARNATION OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL GERMAN PRINCESS!!!" By now, she had lost all aura of sophistication, and had her arms extended to the skies, a triumphant, maniacal leer stretched across her face.

"Eh....." he took a step backwards. But then, a sudden memory seemed to slap him in the face as abruptly as if with Kuwabara's giant Spirit Flyswatter. "Oh, yes! I remember. A long time ago, Koronue and I were in Germany robbing a Cheese Museum, and he wanted to stop in Hamburg, because it IS the clubbing capitol of the world, after all, and we all know how Kuronue loves techno music."

All listeners stared incredulously at Kurama.

"Um.... well ah, yeah. So he dragged me to a skanky nightclub where the theme was Princess for a Day, and all the barmaids were dressed in slutty "princess" costumes. As I recall it, while Koronue was doing the robot with a group of skiing tourists, I went to the bar and had, well, let's say a few to many mugs of the German whiskey... and if I remember correctly, before I passed out, I told the barmaid serving me something about her being my beautiful German princess...."

Sue's arms flopped to her sides and her entire body slumped. "Well, it sounds a whole lot better when the authoress says it and the bishie just falls in love with her WITHOUT ruining the moment." She flopped down in the grass and crossed her arms over her chest, a rare position for Sue.

The other small one, who also had been released from Hiei's grip, now got to HER feet.

_YAY!!!_

Ow, TYPO!!! You didn't have to knock me out of the chair, now I'm gonna have a nasty bruise on my-

-SHE was wearing an ultra-nifty super-hero cape, which billowed out behind her in an oh-so-spifftacular way, along with black cargo pants and a blue t-shirt with a big, red-bordered yellow "T" on it. She also had an ITTY-BITTY mask concealing her true identity... or at least a few freckles on the bridge of her nose and around her eyes... beneath its snazzy blue shininess. "Well, **_I_** am no barmaid, **_I_** am Hiei's LONG LOST SISTER!!!" She struck a dramatic pose. Hiei's eyes narrowed.

"How do you come to that conclusion?" His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Well," she smiled, warming up to her story, "A long time ago, like when the world started and all that good stuff, there were four men and four women."

Everyone leaned forward, intrigued.

"A fat one a skinny one a tall one and a short one."

They all sweat dropped unanimously.

"Sooooew. . . . the short guy married the short girl, and they had kids, who somehow managed to find MORE short people and had short kids with them, and so on. So in theory we're related, Hiei.... about three hundred generations back!" She beamed at the ensemble.

Hiei blinked. "But.... I'm not human...."

_Wait.... DELETE!!! Why isn't it deleting, Beagle??_

Um... I dunno.. was that in the contract?

_HOW COULD MY BELOVED SOCIAL CONTRACT FAIL ME????_

**(sniff) Phooey. I'll show your muffin.... puffin...THINGY.**

So, just forget that last part, what ACTUALLY happened was that Hiei did NOT realize the flaw in Typo's logic, and simply gave her a look that would make a more alert authoress drop dead on the spot. He now turned his attention to the third girl who was still held in his grasp. "And you?" He asked her, "I suppose YOU actually married Kurama one night when he was unconscious, or something about that level of intellect."

"Not quite!" she chirped, and flashed her dazzling white non-braces teeth at him. "Now, could you please let go of my oh-so-adorable lace choker?? I can't breathe."

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice." He reluctantly dropped her to the ground.

She straightened up and smoothed her dress. Now this dress, it's designer seemed to have somehow morphed the patterns for a small female child's Easter dress and a Playboy bunny's cover outfit.... except not as skanky. It was so cute, so feminine, so flattering and girly and attractive, it gave all bystanders observing her either drooling spasms and dirty thoughts, longing or envious fantasies, or the urgent need for a puke-pan or bucket. The skirt was a few inches under knee-length; it was light blue with ruffles trimming the hem, as well as several layers of intricately patterned lace petticoats underneath. The girl was (of course) wearing cream-colored bloomers. The dress's waistline was V-shaped and also bordered in lace. The bodice was made of a soft, cream-colored fabric, with the minisculely laced empire-line- (which was gathered by a tiny blue ribbon)-d bust diamond-pleated baby blue and cream. The square neckline was, AGAIN, bordered in lace, with a soft, azure-colored ruffle peeking out from underneath. Folds of fabric drooped behind or beneath her arms, depending on the wind, and was attached at the armhole and tied with ribbons at the wrists. She was wearing a lacey choker and a ruffled bow around her ankle. The front strands of her layered, brunette-flecked-blonde hair were pulled back with (what else?) powder blue ribbons. Her feet were bare, but somehow managed to stay protected and clean. In short, a "Chi Dress"(_Chobits_, anyone?).

"Kurama and I were best friends as children, we did everything together. But then, during a terrible flu epidemic, we were tragically separated. I was in love with him even as a child, but I didn't want to say anything and ruin our relationship. But now I'm all grown up, and I'm HERE!" She threw her arms wide and a sincere look of love conveyed itself through her features.

Kurama blinked, and then had a flashback.

--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Chibi Kurama is standing in line for a flu shot behind a girl with brown pigtails. The girl is holding a lollipop.

Chibi Kurama says, "What flavor is that?"

Chibi Girl says, "Cherry. What's your favorite?"

Chibi Kurama says, "I like pineapple-flavored ones."

The girl smiles, and then a nurse appears and leads her by the hand into the vaccination room.

--END--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

"Ah, yes, you were the girl in the flu shot line with the lollipop. But how did you know my name??

--REWINDING--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Chibi Kurama says, "What flavor is that?"

--PAUSE--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

Still shot of Chibi Kurama in the middle of closing his mouth with hospital nametag pinned on shirt bearing the Sharpie-inscription:

HELLO. MY NAME IS-

_SUUICHI/KURAMA_

--END--KURAMA'S--FLASHBACK--

"Ah."

Hiei spoke. "Come now, Kurama. What is the REAL story behind this fresh batch of nonsense?"

Kurama leaned down to whisper in Hiei's pointed ear.

Hiei snerked, and then began all-out belly-laughing.

Beagle looked around, crestfallen. "What???"

Through his chortles, Hiei managed to stutter, "Ch-ch-CHERRY FLAVOR!!!!"

Beagle' features contorted into her trademark "Sour-Citrus Face"(which Sue stole). "Well, it sounded good at the time!!" In a huff, she plopped down on the grass alongside Sue and Typo and took her rightful place in the Pout Club.

At that moment, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Keiko wandered into the scene.

Yusuke began talking. "Hey, Kurama, Mini-me, where've—"

He stopped short and stared at the three fangirls sitting in the grass. "Um.... should I even ask?"

Kurama turned his weary gaze on his partner in anti-crime and shook his head. Hiei gladly supplied, "These three weaklings have somehow wandered into our lives and claim to be long-lost acquaintances." He turned his head toward them. "It seems that—Woah! Did you just change outfits???"

Sue smiled and smoothed down her newly acquired clothing. It consisted of a suit made up of a navy blue blazer over a cream-colored blouse with a matching navy scarf around her neck, as well as a knee-length, slightly flared blue skirt. The entire thing was perfectly tailored and fitting. Oh, and she had matching heels and her hair was still up minus the chopsticks.

**Hey guys, we have to have breakfast, you know.**

Oh yeah.....

_I need caffeinated tea...._

**My Mom can fix us Chinese dumplings!! ..... Hey, don't give me that look, it's better than....**

**.... than....**

**... than McDonalds, okay??**

Okay, commercial time!!

_**$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$**_

Kurama wades through a stinking heap of dead demons. His hair falls in front of his face, and he wrinkles his nose in disgust at the overpowering stench wafting from his tresses.

"Curses!" the bishonen exclaims cheesily. "I can't go fighting an evil, foreboding demon while smelling like THIS!"

Suddenly, Hiei magically appears seated on a cloud hovering above the hair-conscience boy. "Does YOUR hair smell like rotting demon carcasses?" He calls out to no one in particular.

Kurama, intrigued, looks up and cries, "YES!"

"Are YOU getting split ends from constant exposure to demon fumes?"

"YES!!"

Hiei continues. "Is YOUR lustrous color faded and dull because of your continuous encounters with demon aura?"

"YES!!!"

""Well then," the camera zooms in on Hiei, "YOU need Rosessence Moisturizing/BodyfyING/Color enhancing Shampoo and Conditioner!" He holds up a bottle and flashes a toothpaste commercial smile… in a shampoo commercial. The cloud he is perched on begins to rain steaming hot water on Kurama, who begins lathering the shampoo into his hair. A heavenly chorus made up of Yusuke, Kuwabara, Botan, Koenma, Yukina, and Keiko APPEARS, singing the Herbal Essence jingle… ONLY…

"I've got the urge for Rosessence!!!!!!!"

Cue more blinding-white toothiness.

The camera cuts to a scene of an evil demon in the process of taking over the world. SUDDENLY, Kurama appears, a determined expression fixed on his face. He shakes out his silky, scarlet-crimson, glossy hair. A cloud of rose petals floats out from his beautiful, flowery-scented hair.

The evil, world-dominating demon stops in mid oppression. "Oh, it's sooooooo gorgeous…!"

At that moment, one of the roses stabs the evil, world-dominating demon in the heart.

The camera zooms in on Kurama's face. Kurama smiles seductively at the camera from behind his ruby bangs.

Hiei MAGICALLY appears and announces:

"Rosessence Moisturizing/BodifyING/Color Enhancing Shampoo and Conditioner. Fight like the true goddess you are!"

_**$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$**_

"Authoress powers, dear demon." Sue smirked.

"I'm not familiar with these... AUTHORESS abilities...." Hiei's eyes narrowed in distrust.

"Don't worry about it."

Beagle lifted her head from her hands and proclaimed, "Hey! That's a good idea, I honestly don't know how Chi lives with all these ruffles 24/7!!"

Beagle was NOW wearing designer Calvin Klein jeans as well as a pretty, fuchsia-colored halter-top, which had a flattering V-neckline with folds of silver-trimmed fabric trimming it and continuing down the center of her torso to her midriff, where they fanned out to continue around her waistline. There was a silver belt around her waist, and her ears were adorned with dangly silver earrings. She also had thin silver bracelets and pink tennies. And her hair was in a high half-ponytail.

"Wow. I love self-insert fics!!"

"Well, **_I_** like my outfit!" Typo stubbornly announced.

Yusuke just stared blankly at the girls. At that moment, Keiko spoke up. "Yusuke, you wouldn't like those girls better than me, would you?"

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "No, Keiko, I don't like them better than you, they're frikkin' insane." He turned to the three fangirls and struck a dramatic Shakespearian pose. "I pray thee, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine. And besides.... I like you not."

_WTF???? Beagle, why is Yusuke speaking in abridged Shakespearian language??_

Wha-.... OMG!! Sorry, I was practicing for the play!!!

"Woah, WOAH, WHERE ARE WE GOING??" Beagle screamed as corny blue Twilight Zone light surrounded them and all characters present began falling in a swirly curly-Q pattern as odd synthesizer music played, clocks ticked, and somewhere out of visibility range, a John Deere tractor revved up.

"Oof!" The wind was knocked out of Typo as her body unceremoniously crashed into the ground. But it would be incorrect to call it the ground, for what Typo saw when she opened her eyes was the blurry outline of a polished wooden floor. She hazily rolled onto her back to see a strange, flat, circular object with what appeared to be a nose, eyes, and a mouth peering down at her. It handed her her glasses (which she happened to be wearing even though she normally wears contacts). She took them and put them on to reveal that the object in question was a walking, talking-

"You should wear contacts, my authoress lass.

Such violent entrances will shatter that glass."

-RHYMING waffle. And it was leering at her. She got to her feet and drew herself up to her full 5-foot height.

"And who might you be, oh gridiron bard?

I don't remember writing in such a 'tard!"

She blinked.

"Did I just speak in rhyme?"

At that moment, Sue strode up.

"Is that such a crime?"

"Not you too!"

"Yes, I, Mary Sue."

They looked around to see Beagle, Yusuke, Hiei, Kurama, Kuwabara, Yukina, and Keiko just getting up and rubbing their skulls. Suddenly, the sound of a gavel banging on wood brought the fanficcers (Yes, it IS a lame word, get used to it.) to attention. A gigantic puffin wearing a bowler hat sat in the pulpit of what was now plain to see a courtroom. He set his gavel down, which had a head shaped like a muffin. And on the topic of muffins, there was an entire jury bench filled up with animated, grinning ones. The singing poetry-inclined waffle proceeded to direct the confused newcomers:

"You, in the pink, have broken a rule,

Laid down in the contract that is ever so cool.

So you're the defendant. Go sit in that chair.

The one that's behind the table over there."

Beagle looked around, utterly bewildered, and slowly made her way to the table in question.

"The rest of you people witnessed the offense

So now, get a move on! Don't be so dense!

Sit on the benches at the back of the hall

Until it's your name to the box that we call."

The characters began muttering vehemently to each other, but whether it was the authoritative gleam in the waffle's eye, the menacing presence of the oversized puffin glaring down at them from his perch, or the fact that there was a talking waffle and a gargantuan puffin ordering them around, the characters sat down in their respective seats. The muffin continued:

"The first witness I call to the stand,

Is Yusuke Urameshi, the assaulted young man."

Yusuke hesitantly walked to the front of the courtroom and stood inside the box. The waffle strode over to face him and held out a muffin tin.

"Put your hand on the tin, most honorable sir,

And swear that the truth, with your words, shall concur."

Yusuke tentatively reached out a hand, as if the tin in question would suddenly sprout long, deadly fangs and reduce his fingers to pulp if he touched it. When nothing of the sort happened, words began spilled out of his mouth, to the surprise of the Spirit Detective.

"I solemnly swear, as the Judge shall observe,

That my lips shall not lie with one single word.

And if such should happen, I hereby agree,

To serve out my punishment with all dignity."

Kuwabara couldn't help snickering at this sudden spewing of verse from the guy currently holding the title of Big, Tough, Mean Dude on Campus at their high-school. Yusuke shot him a death-glare.

The waffle continued:

"Now tell me this, Mister Urameshi man,

During the course of the last ten-minute span,

Did you find yourself speaking in Shakespearian tongue,

And generally doing things unlike your usual fun?"

Yusuke paused for a second and then the words came out:

"Well yes, it was odd, I'd have to suppose,

I was even striking a thespian pose,

I didn't understand what it meant at the time,

In fact, I still don't know why I'm speaking in rhyme."

The waffle decisively turned around and said over his shoulder:

"That's good for now, you've said all I need,

Back to your seat you may now proceed."

Yusuke hesitantly moved back to the safety of the benches.

"Now, as you'll see in the contract I hold,

In the very fine print underneath the bold,

It states very clearly that an authoress may not

Change a character's personality to fit her plot."

-The waffle intoned. Beagle rose out of her seat.

"Wait, that's not fair, I wrote no such thing!"

"The fine print says you did, my darling."

He now took a post-it note handed down to him from Judge Puffin and began to read:

"It seems the punishment for such,

Isn't at all an ordeal or so much.

Between now and tomorrow when the clock strikes two,

You may only eat foods beginning with the letter 'W'.

Court is adjourned; this good lesson you've learned."

With another solemn bang of the gavel, our heroes were sent flying once more into the blue-lighted-spinney-whirl-pool-thing, complete with nauseous feelings, clocks ticking, and John Deere tractors revving. Nobody can quite explain this last part, so don't even ask.

Beagle hit the grass of the park once more, and as she lay there, waiting for the accusing glares of the bishonen to sink in, she wondered where she could find some Won-ton soup . . . or perhaps just an INanimate package of waffles . . .

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

BeagleBLOOMerz's AN:

Right. Well, as I gloomily await the consequences of my Shakespearian Distraction to set in, and Typo and Sue steel themselves for a day of laughing their fool heads off at my misfortune, there is some housekeeping to be taken care of:

1. Yu Yu Hakusho is not, will not be, and has never been ours . . . well, that last statement MIGHT have to be withdrawn if it turns out that in a past life we were all shrews and YYH happened to be. . . oh, shiznick, there goes my ramblometer again. I don't know HOW Sue managed to convince me to buy one of these . . . oh, wait, that's right, she used the timeless tactic of BRUTE FORCE.

2. Many thanks due to reviewers! We know this is our first fic on this account and so, needless to say, our fame has not been spread site-wide . . . yet. Mwaha. SO here's a shout out for taking the time to look at our work. Thankies Kindlies!

3. Incase anyone picked up on the fact that the OOC Clause wasn't in the original contract, be forewarned that there is a lot of VERY, VERY fine print concealed within the document that the human eye cannot detect without assistance. In other words, we came up with other rules that we were too lazy to type out.

4. Urameshi was a dude.

Urameshi looked quite crude.

Urameshi wasn't Sesshy was he?

No, he was an ImNoBISHIE!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ahem. . . eh . . . I get the DISTINCT impression that several burning death-glares are being aimed directly at me by Rabid Yusuke Fangirls Across the Globe . . . yeah I think this would be a good time to just end this and high-tail it to a more safe location . . . maybe Mars . . .


	3. The Larnian Heewhatsit Effect

_After finishing three pages of the next installment of her co-authored fanfic, Typo leaned back her computer chair with a satisfied smile. That was enough for tonight. Reaching out a hand, she grasped the mouse. Mere centimeters from the _File _icon_,_ the cursor froze. Desperately, Typo mashed appleS several times but to no avail. Letting out a heart-wrenching sob, the girl was forced to restart her computer._

And that's what really happened.

**An Idiot's Guide to Self-Insertion**

**Chapter 3 - The Larnian Hee-whatsit Effect**

_So, can I type now?_

Well…. This keyboard IS really getting on my nerves…

**Psh. You're just jealous of my weird and warped keyboard.**

_Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine break……_

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"So," Mary Sue said, clapping her hands. "Bishie choosing time!"

The Yu Yu Hakusho characters stared blankly at her. Typo flashed a clueless smile, and Beagle, the only one still on the ground, sighed and announced, "I hate watermelon."

Sue, oblivious to everyone's feelings, forcefully pushed Kuwabara aside and latched onto a certain demon's arm. "I call Kurama!!"

"WHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTT???" Beagle squawked, leaping to her feet. Typo glared at her friend indignity.

"Now, see here Sue, it's simply not fair for you to--"

"You snooze you loose." Mary Sue stuck out her tongue.

"YOU only like him because WE think he's hot!" Beagle accused.

"So?"

"**_I_** introduced you guys to the show, **_I _**should get first dibs!" Typo stomped her foot.

"You only knew about it first because you're the only one with cable," Sue snapped back.

"I found out about it BEFORE we got cable, back before YOU got YOURS cancelled!"

"I LOVE HIM MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Both girls glared at Beagle.

"No you don't!!!"

"**_I_** called him first!"

"**_I _**can actually reach the top of his head."

"**_I _**know the most about him."

"That's just creepy at the beginning of a relationship, Typo."

"So???"

"Excuse me," Kurama politely interrupted the fangirls' argument, staring down at Sue. "Could you please get off of me…?"

All three girls stared at him. "Who do YOU like best?" they chorused.

"Well…. I, um…" The bishonen sighed. And he thought the girls at his school were bad… He went through a mental evaluation of the "long lost acquaintances."

The one cutting off the circulation in his arm, Sue, seemed to be violent, forceful, and image-conscious. The tallest one, Beagle, had somehow made Yusuke momentarily switch to Shakespearean English (those authoress powers they spoke of?) and seemed just as willing as Sue to glomp him to death. And the last girl, Typo, was just… out there. None of them really seemed better than the others, and he had no intention of "getting to know" the three loons.

"Well," He pulled Sue from his arm. "What was it that Yusuke said? 'I pray thee, do not fall in love with me for I like you not.'"

"Good one," Kuwabara said with a laugh.

Beagle rolled her eyes, "It doesn't go like that; it's, 'I pray thee, do not fall in love with me for I am falser than--' Wait, WHAT?"

"Y-you mean," tears welled in Sue eyes, "you don't LIKE me?"

"That wasn't very nice…" Typo reprimanded.

Kurama inched away from the sobbing girl at his side. "Yusuke, isn't there something we need to do? Perhaps... in another city?"

"It would be nice to get away from these overly emotional females," Hiei added, eyeing the stunned look on Beagle's face… which brought to mind a dying fish.

"Botan did mention something about an evil, sadistic demon planning to attack Tokyo Tower at five," Yusuke commented as the Reikai Tantei (and Keiko) left the clearing.

"That didn't go so well," said Typo thoughtfully when they were out of view.

"What just happened?!" Beagle yelled, grabbing the brunette be the shoulders and shaking. "Typo, what just happened???"

"Kuuuraamaa-aaa-aaa-aaaah," Sue sobbed.

"Well," Typo went on after Beagle had stopped shaking her. "Kurama basically just brushed us off and told us he thought we were annoying." There was a pause. "He doesn't LIKE us?!" the girl wailed, falling to her knees at this sudden realization. "How can he NOT like US???"

**Typo, WTF are you DOING??? WHY ARE THEY LEAVING US?????**

_Well... well that's what a bunch of superheroes would do if they were being stalked by girls they didn't like!!_

**WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S WHAT THEY WOULD DO???**

_I guess they could just be a LITTLE OOC..._

Well not if you want it to WORK! Here, move.

Suddenly regaining her composure, Mary Sue's keen brown eyes snapped back into focus. She wiped the tears from her face with her jacket sleeve and turned to her friends with a determined expression. "We _will _get him back."

"H-how?" Typo sniffed.

"Let's see…" Cupping her hand around her chin, Mary Sue began to stroke an imaginary beard. "The dimwit said something about going to Tokyo Tower at five."

"Doesn't Genkai call him _boke_ in the Japanese version of the show?" Typo asked, the same clueless smile playing across her face as she momentarily forgot their current predicament.

"So we know where they'll be… how do we get them to notice us?" Beagle pondered out loud.

"That'll be easy, but we want them to _like _us," Sue answered.

"'Cause I read in the back of an Excel Saga manga, on the cultural notes…"

"Ya know, a common ploy in mary sue fics," Beagle continued, "is to play 'damsel in distress.'"

Mary Sue grinned. "Bishies ALWAYS fall for the girl with quadruple S-class power who can't defend herself from a common mugger."

"…there's a certain type of humor generally used in the Kansai region, _boke _and _tsukkomi_…"

"Exactly. Which is why we should hire some random guy to pretend to attack us in Kurama's presence!"

"BRILLIANT!! …But we don't have any money."

"…the boke says something completely insane or stupid, and the tsukkomi points out the idiocy of it…"

"Maybe one of us could feign a suicide attempt."

"…and while I was watching Yu Yu Hakusho I noticed that that's what Genkai…"

"This isn't a angst fic, Beagle. And I am NOT acting depressed just to get attention."

"…was calling Yusuke. But who knows?"

"Yeah, I hate it when people do that."

"Maybe she was saying something else."

"Typo, SHUT UP!!" both Beagle and Mary Sue yelled, the latter grabbing the girl's ponytail and yanking as hard as she could.

"I'm sorry…" Typo sniffled from behind waterfall tears.

"Also," Beagle said, "we should come up with a nonviolent and decisive way to determine who gets to stalk who… obviously, we can't all have Kurama."

"I still say he's mine," Mary Sue muttered.

"What about one of those personality quiz thingies…?" Typo mused. "That way, they'd be choosing, saving us a lot of grief, and there'd be no way we could accuse each other of stealing and still sound sane."

"But you and Beagle never sound sane," Sue replied. The accused rolled their eyes.

"Riiiiight, and you're PERFECTLY okay up there in the head…" Beagle muttered.

After a few minutes plotting, the trio finally decided on a course of action. By 5 o'clock, they had gathered at the observation deck of Tokyo tower and were setting the stage for operation Get Bishie.

See, there. All fixed.

_But how did we find Tokyo Tower?_

**Who cares? Just TYPE!**

_Fine, fine…_

Mary Sue grinned evilly through the ¥100 observation glass/thing attached to the rail around the observation deck of Tokyo Tower. She seemed to have found yet another perfect change of clothes, this particular outfit very un-Sue-ish, bringing to mind an innocent young girl just asking to be put in mortal peril and then gallantly saved from harm. The young damsel/evil super-genius was not surveying the amazing view of Tokyo that the structure provided as the rest of the fools around her were doing, but rather a group of five teens milling around the base of the tower. They did not particularly stand out from the rest of the pedestrians except for the odd hair color of the only girl among them. _Ah, yes, Botan, _Mary thought as she smirked to herself._ Your blue hair shall be your undoing._

"Suuuue, I'm booooooored," a voice to the observer's right whined.

"Go away, Beagle," Mary Sue snapped, her eyes locked on a magenta clad figure that could only be her favorite character.

"Weeee! Kanji I can actually read!" Typo squealed from where she was peering through a neighboring telescope. She had also dressed the part, apparently trying to fit in with the crowd; she now wore a tourist's dream-outfit, complete with fanny-pack and Tokyo Tower t-shirt. "Ichi, ni, san… Ichi, ni, san…" she beamed.

"Typo, that thing doesn't have any money in it," Beagle pointed out. Typo stared blankly at her, but soon had to avert her eyes from the blinding pink-ness of her shirt.

"Dammit, I ran out of time," Sue cursed, pulling her face away from the metal device. "YOU!" she pointed up accusingly at a nearby ten-year-old boy. "Gimme a hundred yen!"

The boy stared down at her for a second, confused. Typo smiled.

"Hyaku en o kudasai," she said, giddy at her own cleverness. The boy gave her a very odd look before bursting into a fit of snickers. Mary Sue growled and turned on her Aura of MENACE, her eyes flashing red and black flames erupting around her. The boy abruptly stopped and handed Typo the hundred yen coin with wide eyes.

"Why do nameless background characters speak nothing but Japanese while canon characters seem to speak nothing but English?" Beagle asked. She was munching on a vanilla wafer from the packet she had managed to acquire.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes and turned back to the telescope. "Don't think too much about it-- hey, where did they go?" She desperately scanned the area. "THEY'RE GONE!!!!!!!!!!" She yowled to no one in particular.

"Relax, Sue," Beagle soothed. "They're probably on their way up."

Sue glanced around the large room for a second, then shoved the plastic chopsticks she had been holding her hair up with earlier into Typo' s hands. "Here. Attack me with those."

"With fashion accessories?" the short girl asked doubtfully.

"Yes," Sue answered with the exasperated air of an incompetent teacher trying to explain nuclear decay to a third grader. "Beagle," she grabbed the ex-cheerleader's arm and pulled her to her side, "You're my long lost sister and we've just met for the first time in eight years, and Typo's your cousin who thinks you're your evil twin who killed my father, so she's trying to seek revenge upon you."

Beagle stared down at her. "But we don't look related…"

"Best friends then, I don't care," Mary Sue shrieked shrilly. "Just loom aggressively, Typo, LOOM!"

Unfortunately, Typo was having a hard time looking like she possessed the motivation to use a pair of chopsticks to murder someone at all. Uncertainly, she raised the chopsticks like she was going to stab the pair of taller girls and glared unconvincingly at them. Taking what she hoped was a menacing step forward, she glanced over at the elevators, praying that SOMEONE would show up at least.

Beagle's inner actress began to take over her mind as she grabbed Sue in panic, her eyes widening in fear. "YEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah, someone, help!!" She yelped, digging her fingernails into Sue's arm.

"Um, yeah… aaah," Mary Sue called out half-heartedly, not quite the drama queen that Beagle was.

Reassured by Beagle's enthusiasm, Typo leapt forward, brandishing her "weapons" and screaming violent-sounding gibberish. Beagle dodged, shoving Sue to the ground in the process, and tackled Typo (not painlessly, I might add). Dropping the chopsticks, Typo fell, smacking her head against the tiled floor. Beagle faked a kick at her head, slamming her foot down mere centimeters from her ear. Typo yowled in fake pain, rolling over several times and clutching her face.

Sue, who had been watching them disdainfully from her spot on the floor, looked up to see if Kurama was gallantly sprinting out of the elevators to rescue her yet. What she saw was Botan of all people earnestly evacuating the building and yelling warnings about a fire or something. Sue, uninterested by such things, simply watched as the deity of death hurried the last person, a woman cradling a small child, down the "Use Only in Case of Emergency" stairs and left the tower herself, slamming the door behind her. Blinking, Sue ignored the chopstick sword fight her accomplices were currently engaged in and slowly turned around to peer out the window.

Outside, everyone's favorite Reikai Tantei were doing battle with a huge, scaled, six-armed monster with claws that SO needed a manicure and that SO needed to be filed down. And, come to think of it, it needed some whitening toothpaste, too. The four boys were dodging this way and that, weaving in and out of the youkai's thirty claws. Hiei smoothly managed to get by the flailing limbs (_Of course_, Sue thought), and brought his katana down on the demon's torso. The sword broke and the monster grabbed him roughly and tossed him back at his teammates.

"You guys," Sue shouted as she turned back around, "Get over here!"

The girls, who had run out of cheesy stage fight moves and had moved on to the touching realization that Beagle was not, in fact, her murderous twin, but in fact Typo's long-lost sister-in-law, brushed aside their fake tears of happiness and joined Sue at the window.

"Wooow…" Typo gaped as Yusuke fired his Rei-gun, taking off the monsters head and blasting a hole in the tower about twenty feet to their left… which the fangirls neither cared about nor noticed.

Beagle nodded in agreement as they watched the four below begin their usual after-battle banter and Botan mysteriously reappeared from getting normal people away from the fight. But then, to everyone's shock but the fanficcers (who were half expecting it), the youkai stood back up, and three new, red-eyed heads grew to replace its old one. Kurama, being nearest the fairy girl at the moment, grabbed Botan and hurried her to a safer area, and the other three fell back into fighting stance. They kept on the defensive as they discussed a better strategy than just amputation (or at least that's what the girls assumed they were talking about), until Kurama returned from behind, taking the monster completely by surprise, and took off another head with a fancy whip move. Three more promptly grew in its place.

"This is the perfect opportunity," Mary Sue announced, breaking the fascinated silence, "to play Innocent Bystanders About to Meet Their DOOM." Her two friends stared at her as she somehow managed to pick up a bench and through it out the window, shattering the glass. "HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!" she called down to the boys below. "YEEEEEEEP!!! A demon!! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Beagle caught on and began yelling as well.

"Oh, won't someone rescue this poor, reasonably attractive female adolescent, age 14, blood type A positive?" she yelled down mournfully. "Will no one save this young bishojo who enjoys long walks on the beach, bubble baths, and world peace??"

"LERNAEAN HYDRA!!!" Typo screeched, pointing downwards at the monster.

Sue and Beagle both stopped their respective yelling and stared at her. "What?" Mary Sue asked, but Beagle's eye's widened.

"You're right!" the tall one cried, eyes darting toward the youkai outside.

"What's a larnian heedra?" Sue asked, not quite following the recovered classical mythology obsessors' train of thought.

"We should help them," Typo stated simply.

"Yeah… but how did Heracles defeat it again?" Beagle asked, ignoring Sue's confusion. Typo furrowed her brow for a moment, trying to remember all that research she had done in sixth grade.

"I think," she said, "he crushed it under a bunch of rocks…"

Beagle and Typo stood in silence for a moment, trying to think of a good replacement to kill the youkai outside.

"What's larnian hee-whatsit?" Sue persisted.

"We could use the tower," Beagle said very slowly, enlightenment rising behind her retinas. "I'm sure if we can get one of the base legs to give way, the whole thing would fall over."

Typo snapped her fingers. "I KNEW there was a reason to pay attention in science. C'mon Beagle, let's go make a homemade bomb. Sue, keep trying to get the guys' attention."

Mary Sue turned her attention back to the broken window, muttering something about friends who read too much.

-:-:-Meanwhile, down below… -:-:-

"Lernaean Hydra," Kurama stated, ducking a swinging green arm.

"What?" Yusuke asked, dodging a claw.

"Lernaean Hydra." Kurama repeated. "It's a monster from--"

"We KNOW what it is," Hiei cut in. "But what does that have to do with--" his eyes widened as it dawned on him. "How did that stupid ningen kill him again?"

"Do you have any idea what they're talkin' about?" Kuwabara whispered to Yusuke. The boy in green turned to his comrade and explained,

"This is the part where the camera zooms in on Kurama's intensely concentrated expression as he explains everything with all that dramatic, 'time-stopping think music' back up, and no one pays attention to us. So now we run off to Starbucks real quick before anyone notices we're gone."

"Yusuke, Kuwabara." Kurama turned to the humans, who were by now quite out of breath and clutching frappuchinos, after a quick conversation with the little fire demon. "Keep the youkai busy. Let's go, Hiei."

Yusuke and Kuwabara blinked and licked their whipped cream mustaches as the two thieves ran straight at the demon, each leaping on one of the tree trunk like arms and racing to the shoulders.

-:-:-Back with the fangirls…-:-:-

Mary Sue frowned down at the two bishonen (who were still ignoring her pleas for help) below. That was odd…. They had both managed to get on the giant youkai's shoulders and were hacking off its heads as fast as they could. What was the point in that? Furthermore, after a head was taken off, Hiei would immediately burn the new wound.

Though, now that she thought about it, there weren't any new heads growing from the burnt wounds….

"Done!" A pair of voice chorused behind her. Her friends stood there, beaming. Wrapped in Beagle's arms was a big, metal box that had a big red button in the center.

"We've created a bomb and stuck it to the leg of the building," Beagle explained.

"And this button will set it off," Typo continued, pointing.

Mary Sue raised an eyebrow. "How did you manage all that in less than three minutes?"

"I have no idea," Beagle answered and pushed the button.

-:-:-:-:-

**BOOM!!**

Kurama whirled around as Hiei finished up with the youkai's last head. He watched as observation deck of Tokyo Tower was moved toward him, as if in slow motion. A hysterical "BEAGLE YOU MORON!" mixed in with a benignant "Maybe we should have left before we did that…" drifted down from the shattered window.

Kurama squeezed his eyes closed as he waited for the inevitable. Why couldn't they just leave him alone…?

-:-:-:-:-

For the second time that day, Typo sat up rubbing her neck, the hard ground/floor THING having done nothing favorable for her back. Wincing at a sharp pain in her leg, she examined her surroundings. The floor was neat and tiled, the room wide and open, and a huge wooden desk with mounds of stacked paper atop it sat in front of her. Beagle was sitting to her right, cradling her arm and glancing around nervously, and Mary Sue was on her feet yelling at the most interesting thing in the room.

"How DARE you tell me-- ME!! --that you don't like me!! I can't BELIEVE you, you… you… INCONSIDERATE BISHONEN!!!!" She stomped her foot, crossed her arms, and allowed her face to settle into a pout. Kurama stared back down at her, an unreadable look in his green eyes.

All four Reikai Tentai and Botan were arranged around the desk at which Koenma (in his teen form, surprisingly) was seated. Both Yusuke and Kuwabara were silently laughing at Kurama, but all other eyes were turned solemnly on the three fangirls.

"Good, you're up," Koenma said. "You sleep like a log, by the way."

"Tell us something we don't know," Beagle muttered, but her wide eyes never left Koenma's bishiful face.

"I," Koenma continued, "am the great prince of Reikai-- KOENMA-SAMA!" He paused and waited for the girls to gasp and/or faint, but they simply looked at him with bland expressions. "Anyway, you have been charged with identity fraud, sexual assault, and battery."

They blinked.

"We couldn't have possibly have done all that," said Beagle. "We only just got here."

"So you admit you're not of this world," Koenma smirked. "Crime number one."

"You can't arrest us!" Mary Sue squealed. "I haven't gotten to glomp Kurama enou--"

"Crime number two," Koenma said smugly. "Sexual assault. 'I haven't gotten to glomp Kurama ENOUGH' --meaning you already have."

Sue shut her mouth. Typo piped up. "But the charge for battery is nonsense. All we did was completely destroy a famous monument."

"And in effect," Koenma said, "injured four Reikai personal and allowed one wanted youkai to escape."

Typo blinked at him. "Really?"

"Yes."

"SPIFFY!"

"TYPO!" Beagle yelled, smacking the back of her friend's hard head, "You're not helping."

"What I want to know," Mary Sue interjected, "is how we got here and why we've been taken before the Prince of Reikai. Is blowing up Tokyo Tower really that serious?"

Koenma sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Well, as I translate the story, you appeared before Kurama and Hiei, claiming to be long lost acquaintances and/or relatives."

Hiei glared meaningfully at Typo.

"They essential abandoned you and headed off to Tokyo Tower to do their job. Just as they were about to succeed--"

"Without explaining to their LEADER what the hell they were doing," Yusuke put in.

"--Tokyo Tower collapsed behind them, falling on part of their party--"

"That name's way too fancy for our group," Kuwabara muttered.

"--knocking out half and injuring the rest, thus causing the object of their mission to escape. Normally I'd let this go, but you seem to know a bit too much about two certain members of the Tantei." He glanced over at Kurama and Hiei. "And when we went to check your files, they were nonexistent. So, obviously, you don't belong in Ningenkai."

The fangirls exchanged glances. "That's because," Beagle said slowly, "we're from--"

"SANKAI!!!" Typo cried, leaping to her feet. "We're from Sankai, and we're here on a very important mission… TO SAVE OUR WORLD!!" She struck a dramatic pose and trumpets sounded in the background.

All present stared at her and the trumpets hit flat notes and died.

"All will be revealed in time…" she whispered, waving her arms in front of her in a way she considered "mysterious," promptly knocking a stack of papers behind her to the ground.

"Um, yeah…" Beagle said. "You see, there are other dimensions besides just Reikai, Ningenkai, and Makai. And, um, we're representatives from another one of these, Senkai."

"You said 'sankai'," Kurama pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"Same thing," Mary Sue supplied. "Depends on what dialect you speak. Anyhoo," she held up a few sheets of paper. "We're going to need you to fill out these surveys as part of our humanity-saving mission." She gave one each to Kurama, Hiei, and Koenma. Both Koenma and Kurama politely scanned the paper with mild interest, but Hiei disgustedly threw his in Kuwabara's face.

"I'm not taking some 'survey' created by these fools," he announced.

"Well I don't mind, I love these things!" Kuwabara said, reaching for a pen on Koenma's desk.

"NO!!" All three fanficcers yelled, lunging forward. Sue, being nearest, got to him first and ripped the 'survey' out of his hands.

"Erm, we mean," Typo stuttered, sweat dropping profoundly, "we would prefer it if, aah…"

"Yusuke take the test," Beagle finished. "I mean, he's KINDA hot when he doesn't gel back his hair."

Kurama and Koenma's heads snapped up from reading, starring at her with wide eyes.

"We just don't want full-blooded humans taking it, 'kay? Reasons confidential," Typo answered immediately. Mary Sue stared at her, confused.

"But isn't Yusuke--" She was quickly kicked by Beagle.

"Hn," said Hiei, glaring at them with suspicious eyes.

"Wait," Koenma said as Yusuke grabbed a pen and started scribbling. "Group Huddle."

The Yu Yu Hakusho characters all huddled together (Hiei a bit reluctantly), and Botan was the first to speak up, a slight grin twitching at the corners of her mouth.

"Koenma-sama, you don't actually believe their story, do you?"

Koenma frowned. "Well… there doesn't really seem to be any other explanation," he replied. Kurama nodded in agreement.

"The only way Reikai could not have them on file is if they were from Makai. But all three of them are obviously human, and the only stories anyone could possibly tell to explain their circumstances would all be just as farfetched as another dimension."

"What I don't get," Yusuke said, "is why they seem to know so much about us."

"Maybe," Kuwabara hypothesized, "in their dimension our lives are actually an action anime, and all this is actually a bad fanfiction, but we have no idea because outside forces consisting of a group of desperate fangirls similar to the ones in front of us are controlling everything."

"Psh. Well, if THAT isn't the most moronic thing I've heard all day then I'll tie a bow around the neck of my Dragon of the Darkest Flame and cuddle it! You should stop going to those movie things," Hiei said. "You're starting to get them confused with reality." Kuwabara glared at him, ready to shoot a short joke right back at him, but Koenma cut him off.

"Anyway, I think it'll be okay to take the surveys. They don't seem to be asking anything they don't already know, and maybe afterwards we can learn some more about them."

"Alrighty then," Yusuke said as he sat down on the floor with his paper. "I love the tests with no wrong answer."

Kurama sat down with a pen from Koenma's drawer and began taking the survey himself as the teenified Koenma gave hushed orders to Botan to converse with the three girls (who had backed off into their own corner and were giggling) The Reikai Prince glanced over to see Kuwabara and Hiei engaged in their own private glaring contest. Hiei was winning.

_Question number one -- What type of socks do you prefer?_

_ones with interesting designs, usually striped, and bright colors_

_knee socks with any pattern and any color, mismatched cutely when possible_

_normal white ones, sometimes black._

Kurama blinked down at his feet. He didn't _wear _socks… the washing machine escape artists were below him. Ah, well. He circled "C."

_Question number two -- What type of hair do you prefer on a girl?_

_silky, black, and layered_

_medium length, layered, and blonde_

_long, brown (chestnut, chocolate, ect.), and wavy_

Oh, could you get anymore obvious…? Koenma glanced over at the group of girls. Botan had joined them, and they were all laughing hysterically. Not laughing cutely like anime girls are supposed to, but chortling, guffawing, cackling, and so and so forth in uncute, unhot, unsexy ways. He sighed and looked back down at the paper in front of him. Well, none of them were really blonde… He circled "B."

_Question number three -- Pick a phrase._

_A) Smoking kills brain cells._

_B) You see? Being evil pays off…_

_C) Have I ever told you about sea louses…?_

Yusuke stared down at it. That was _not _a question… it was a demand! Well, "A" didn't particularly appeal to him; he hated it when Keiko used to yell at him about the cancer he's get when he smoked, a habit he stopped after he died. He'd never been told it killed brain cells, though… wasn't that drinking…? He shook his head and continued to the next choice, but he didn't really like that one either. It reminded him of something a self-absorbed villain might say to start off a long and boring monologue. Which he also hated. The teen decidedly circled "C". He had no idea what a sea louse was, but hey, he didn't hate them.

They continued like this for another twenty minutes or so, the tranquil silence of the room disturbed only by the girls' obnoxious laughter… What exactly WAS so funny…?

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

'Ezzo! Typo here, and I have to say that that is the longest nonscript format fanfic chapter I have ever written… hope you liked it! Yes, me n' Beagle are alternating writing chapters now (Mary Sue, while contributing ideas, simply does not write. She gets to have A/Ns on the chapters produced when we actually have enough time to together long enough to write enough stuff to be considered a chapter.) And now, because I wrote a lot and own no ramblometer, ze horribly and terrifyingly long A/N:

We do not, will not, and could not possibly own Yu Yu Hakusho. I do, however, own a tube of the whitening toothpaste mentioned. It is minty.

None of us have actually been to Tokyo Tower, so there probably isn't a sign labeled "Ichi ni san" visible… and a whole lotta stuff describing what the observation deck looks like is probably completely off. Watching random scenes from Magic Knight Rayearth is not visiting the place, you know.

About the Japanese…(Yes, Typo IS taking classes):

"Ichi, ni, san…" - Just plain, simple numbers. "One, two three…"

"Hyaku en o kudasai." - "A hundred yen, please." I have no idea if a sane person would use this to ask for money, but that's the way we learned to ask for things at the store so… (shrug) That's what Typo WOULD say if she had to, and no one said Typo had to have perfect Japanese. XD

(Why do I keep switching to third person…?)

"Sankai" - San (three) kai (realm/world); Typo's vocabulary leaves much to be desired. Basically it refers to that third dimension we are cursed with… "sen" means a thousand, so Beagle's little slip up in pronunciation changed the meaning of the word.

The Lernaean Hydra is from the labors of Heracles (more commonly known as Hercules) in Greek mythology. It has at least seven heads (different sources vary), one of which was immortal. Typo got the myth wrong; in the Disney movie, Hercules kills a Hydra-like monster by causing an avalanche to bury it… or something. Obviously, Typo was getting her stories confused. Kurama and Hiei went about it in the right way; Heracles got a friend (forget who… -.-;;) to burn the hydra's wounds after each of its heads were removed, preventing new heads from growing. The immortal head was buried under a rock. (Am I putting too much thought into my fanfiction?)

Koenma seems to have a slight obsession that people without connections to Reikai don't find out that he's actually a toddler… which is my excuse for having him in his teen form. We were low on bishies. (Yes, I know we excluded Hiei, but Sue is _dead set_ on Kurama, Beagle worries about being taller than Kurama which makes it impossible to imagine how she'd look next to Hiei o.O, and I'm masquerading as his long lost sister.)

Kurama really doesn't wear socks. It irks me so…

Beagle has been the butt of many blonde jokes because she's the closest thing we have to one at the present time (blonde highlights in the sun. (shrug). It would be weird to have "light brown hair" and then "dark brown hair", so…

Thanks for the reviews! And no, Aya, I have no idea where Beagle got her ramblometer… but thanks for naming the bunnies. God knows what I was calling them had a few too many syllables (evildemonicbunnydemonyoukaidealiothingiesthatarefreakishlycuteandliketobakeshtuffbunnythings).


	4. Dance, Monkey, Dance

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

A Zen ponderation

An Idiot's Guide to Self-Insertion 

**Chapter 4- Dance, Monkey, Dance**

After 36 more of these "Which do you prefer?" queries, Yusuke finally read the last question:

_Question number 60 -- If you were on a twenty-five-car electric train traveling southwest from Paris, France bound for La Rochelle at 100 mph (miles per hour) with a wind blowing north-west at 20 mph, what would you order to drink in the restaurant car?_

_A) Pink Lemonade_

_B) Diet Coke_

_C) Sprite Remix- Berry Clear_

The Spirit Detective blinked and reread the question. He looked up suspiciously at the girls gathered around Botan watching her reenact what looked like a gruesome and gory fight scene. He thought long and hard about the question. If he was in France, he'd probably be eating a lot of food, and he needed to keep his weight down. Yeah, that made sense, so he'd go with B).

Kurama was also pondering the strange inquiry. This train was traveling southwest at 100 mph over roughly 500 miles, which meant he would be in the train for approximately 5 hours. In a 25-car train, it would most likely be a severe pain to walk to the nearest car with a toilet, and he hated using those disgusting excuses for lavatories anyway. That ruled pink lemonade out, because it always gave him... the need for a restroom. SO, Diet Coke or Sprite Remix? Come to think of it, he'd never had Sprite Remix Berry Clear. He supposed that would be his final decision.

The first thing Teen-Koenma thought when he saw that this was the final question went something along the lines of the Halleluiah Chorus... except with a lot of blank spots because he couldn't remember the words. But then, he actually READ the question... That sort of brought to mind the annoying _Jeopardy!_ theme song because, like the Final Questions he saw on _Jeopardy!_, he had no idea what it meant. So he decided to tackle the choices. _A) Pink Lemonade_. Mmm... Tangy, sweet, pink lemonade with a lemon slice on the edge of the frosted glass and--

Well, it worked for him.

Hiei was still battling it out with Kuwabara. Nothing seemed to make the twit look away! He had tried everything: From taking off his headband and rolling the Jagan eye up into his head to reverting to his green-skinned multi-oddly-placed-eye demon form. He was getting seriously bored. So, although he hadn't wanted to drag Her into it, it seemed absolutely necessary.

"Oh, hello Yukina." he said with an Academy Award-worthy nod over Kuwabara's left shoulder.

"YUKINA! WHERE?" Worked like a charm. Kuwabara whirled around and began scampering all over the place twisting his head every which way like a puppy who'd picked up the scent of a squirrel.

"Ha. You lose, human."

Kuwabara limply turned back around to face his adversary, the crestfallen puppy having realized that he had simply gotten a whiff of a woman's fur stole.

Hiei got to his feet and strode over to where Kurama was sitting on the floor with his survey. "Are you still not finished with that ridiculous questionnaire?"

Kurama decisively circled a letter on the last page and looked up. "As a matter of fact: Yes, Hiei, I am."

"Hmph. Good. And you?" he let his eyes fall on the Reikai Prince and his Spirit Detective.

"As finished as I'll ever be."

"Mmm... Lemony..."

The girls had perked up at the word "questionnaire" and now stood up, disbanding the circle of giggly secrets.

"So you finished?" Mary Sue chirped, "Excellent! Now we'll just have to take a look at the results--"

"Or rather, take the results back to our eh, emperor and have his workers check them." Typo hastily put in.

"But we'll definitely be back!" Beagle piped up.

Botan was leaning against the back wall, grinning like a spoonbill pelican at the crestfallen looks on her friends' faces at these last words. She straightened up.

"I'll have to fly you girls down to Ningenkai so you can get to your... Sankai Realm from there. See you later boys!" she waved and ushered Beagle, Typo, and Sue out of the office.

The girls smiled endearingly and made large waving gestures.

When they had turned and left, however, Typo frowned. "Umm... Sue?"

Sue looked at her.

"Where are we going to stay?"

Sue's eyes widened and her smile immediately became taught. "One step at a time, Typo," she grimaced.

_No, really Beagle, where are we going to stay?_

Well, just let me type, I-I've got a plan...

_It doesn't happen to involve checkered shoelaces and a pocket dictionary, does it?_

Well... what LANGUAGE is this hypothetical dictionary written in?

_Surprise me._

**Hey, aren't you forgetting? This is a self-insert fic! We can do what we want!**

Is it just me, Typo, or did the constellation Orion just come down to earth and land in Sue's eyes?

_Eh?_

Her eyes are REALLY shiny and it's scaring me, okay? Whoa... whoooaaaah there Sue what're you... NO! NO, SUE GET BACK! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Botan took them down to earth and dropped them off in front of a magical palace. This palace was a 54 bedroom, 14 bathroom 5 story residence complete with pool, hot tub, pool table, and 60 ft tower complete with convenient non-thorn ivy-covered trellis leaning up against the wall and stopping at the highest window, ideal for you classic damsel-in-distress situation. Botan gave the palace a quick once-over, raised an eyebrow, and hopped back on her oar, muttering something about convenience.

Mary Sue got straight down to business as Typo and Beagle stood staring blankly up at the Malibu/Medieval-Arthurian/Taj-Mahal/Pretty-Pretty-Princess–esque structure in front of them.

"Alright, guys, let's move in!"

"B-but," Beagle stuttered, "but, we don't even have any clothes, or food, or FURNITURE for that matter! Gosh, Sue, why'd you make me write such a rushed entry at the beginning of this fic? I could have at _least_ written in a couple of suitcases or something!"

Typo nodded mutely.

"Ugh, fools! Fine, I was going to surprise you, but . . ."

The palace/mansion/fangirl-residence-thing was equipped with the most luxurious of luxurious furniture. It was all mahogany and silk and crystal and gold and stainless steel and shag and lavender-scented and everything cool.

_Gee, Sue, you SURE ARE GOOD at this forceful-keyboard-domination-to-make-everything-sound-awesome-thing you've got going here . . ._

**SHUT UP! I'm no interior designer! And I'd like to see you do better!**

_WELL..._

The Undercover Glomping Brigade–

WTF?

_I don't LIKE always saying 'fangirls', ya savvy?_

–began to take their first hesitant steps over the cobblestone courtyard that stretched before them. Their eyes caressed the foaming plumes of water cascading down from the puffin-shaped head of the huge fountain in their path. The large stone sculpture consisted of the afore-mentioned puffin standing . . .well, if puffins can even stand . . . majestically atop a huge muffin lying in a pool of water. The puffin's left . . . erm . . . wing cradled two smaller muffins and its right wing was raised over its sleek head holding another muffin. Water flowed from the puffin's beak and the highest-elevated muffin. Also, several streams of water arched from the largest muffin's blueberries; for it was a blueberry muffin.

**Oh, RIGHT Typo, you're just so good at this. You just took an entire . . . _8 _ lines to describe a fountain. And it's an ugly fountain at that!**

_**SUE! **How DARE you insult the sisterhood of the muffin-puffin lackeys that we swear our sacred allegiance to!_

**_YES!_** How DARE YOU? You've sold out, Mary Sue.

**No, no it's not like that, it's just, wouldn't an angel be prettier? Or maybe, um, a dolphin? Or a faerie! Yeah, Beagle, you like faeries, right? RIGHT. . .? Please don't look at me like that. . .**

Typo, I think Sue needs some COUNSELING. She needs to reestablish her reverent bond with the Muffin-Puffins. You, my friend, would be my choice to do the honors.

_But, shouldn't we both do this righteous deed?_

No, you see Typo, two of us and one of her might, uh, overwhelm her, and she would shrink from us like a snarling, rabid wolf from a vaccine-bearing angel. She's confused, you see, and is so turned around that she can't see the crisp-on-the-outside fluffy-on-the-inside golden-brown goodness that is pleading with her to take a bite.

_Oh, okay. Well, that sounds pretty darn smart, so I'm gonna agree with you._

**You two do realize I'm right here and can hear every word you're saying.**

_Come with me, Sue..._

**No! I–wait... wait, what are you doing Ty-AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!**

Heh heh. Suckers.

The girls were now facing a pair of huge doors. These doors were no ordinary doors; these were Wonka-esque doors. They were made up of shiny plastic swirled with candy stripes. Each door was an inward-facing spiral, and on the innermost point of the swirl-thing were little doorknobs. Beagle hesitantly reached for one of the handles and pulled. Instantly, when the door cracked open, a wave of Techno music and flashing lights washed over Sue, Typo, and Beagle herself. Beagle's eyes lit up. She rushed into the building. Sue, on the other hand, was not as happy,

"WHAT? This wasn't supposed to – Hey, I kinda like this beat... but NO! NOOO! I can't – ooh, is that shag carpet. . .?"

Typo had already succumbed to the techno-y goodness and was exploring. If there is any possible way to jump around like a loon and head-bang reverently, she was doing it. She first examined –

_Alright, Sue, I think you can do this with just a little bit more – HEY! Beagle, what are you typing? We never agreed to this!_

**BEAGLE! YOU MORON!**

WHAT? It's FUN! You guys KNOW you'd like to live here!

_Who cares when it's at the price of our sacred trust..._

**Oooh, just WAIT 'til I think up a sufficient way to TORTURE YOU!**

Um, eh, COMMERCIAL BREAK!

A camera-shot of the storefront of a pet store fills your computer screen. A small black figure stands in front of it alongside what seems to be a black ribbon of flame. Camera 1 zooms in on the small black figure, which materializes into Hiei. When C1's screen is filled with Hiei's surprisingly cheerful looking face, it stops zooming and Hiei begins to advertise:

"Hi. I'm Hiei and this is my friend, Sparkins, the Dragon of the Darkest Flame."

C1 pans to the left to reveal a pitch black, flickering mass of hell-fire. Said mass appears to wink at lens.

"So, you're probably wondering where I found Sparkins, right? This top-quality, straight off the Makai Market listings, ten-setting, 3-gear weapon of brutal mass destruction of enemy scum, model 1983 has got to be pretty hard to come by. Well," (his eyes light up), "not when I've got Mom and Pop's Bitemare Menagerie here to help me out!"

Robin's-egg blue bubble letters reading, "Mom and Pop's Bitemare Menagerie" spirals in to center-screen as C1 zooms out for a background shot of the entire storefront. A pink-and-white checked background fades in to replace Hiei, Sparkins, and the pet store. Hiei's head materializes in the bottom-right corner of your screen and says,

"They've got any creature a vengeful, justice-seeking demon like me could use in our quests to inflict torture on or even just wipe out rivals,–"

Picture of Bui glides in from top-right to bottom-left corner as Hiei's eyes follow it convincingly,

"–enemies,–"

Picture of Sensui replaces it in same fashion,

"–or innocent bystanders that get in our way."

Picture of an old lady with a cane replaces it in same fashion, then promptly gets eaten by cartoon werewolf. Hiei chuckles. Yes, you read right: chuckles.

"That's right, they guarantee a full stock, any breed of your choosing, of ogre–"

Snapshot of ogre fills screen, leaving only Hiei's head in the corner.

"–chimera–"

Picture of chimera replaces that of ogre.

"–roc–"

Picture of roc.

"–mermaid–"

Picture.

"–Hydra–"

Picture.

"–satyr, sea serpent, wivern–"

Picture. Picture. Picture.

"–basilisk, hircocervus, manticore, Minotaur, Gorgon, Orthros, troll, sea serpent–"

Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture.

"–hippogriff, hippocampus, hippocentaur, hippocerf, nixie, pixie, Caliban, cyclops, Python, Grendel, drake, Echidna, dipsas, winigo, Typhon, siren, zombie, vampire, Sphinx, Talos–"

Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture.

"AND THOSE ARE JUST SOME OF THE ONES THE HUMANS KNOW ABOUT! Plus, just in, a litter of puppies sired by Cerberus, guard-dog of the underworld, and dammed by a pit bull!"

Picture.

Back to shot of Hiei and Sparkins in front of store, "So call now, 1-888-GROTESK,"

Phone number appears at bottom of your screen.

"That's 1-888-476-8375, or visit one of their numerous locations in YOUR world!"

Big, cheesy, advertising grins from both Hiei and Sparkins.

Mary Sue glared at Beagle. Beagle glared at Mary Sue. Mary Sue glared at Typo. Typo glared at Mary Sue. Beagle glared at Typo. Typo glared at Beagle. Beagle said, "Typo, you've got something _right there," _and brushed a crumb of chocolate off of Typo's cheek. "There we go."

Beagle and Typo glared at each other.

A voice interrupted the cornucopia of begrudgement.

"So. Nice place for a group of visiting representatives from another dimension to stay, eh?"

The girls whirled around to face the speaker, who just happened to be Yusuke, as he gestured toward the sparkling, candy-swirled Moscow-esque structure still thumping from the beat of the techno music. . .

. . . the rustic, Medieval-castle-esque structure brimming with fountains and pleasantly overgrown flower gardens. . .

. . . the giant Ancient-Greece-esque style villa complete with lawn shrubberies, fountains, and statues dedicated to various bishonen, celebrities, and spawn of imagination and too much caffeine . . .

. . . the house.

"Uh . . .yeah! What are you guys doing here?" Sue gestured at Yusuke and the rest of the Reikai Tantei who were standing around awkwardly.

"Well, we were sort of curious about you guys. I mean, you've gotta admit your whole story is pretty weird. . ." Kuwabara trailed off.

"What?" Typo uttered a nervous, forced laugh, "What's so strange about a group of agents from an until-now-unheard-of dimension suddenly showing up at your door and asking you to fill out a survey of questions that have absolutely nothing to do with anything and then vanishing without a trace except for ominous implied promises to be back and more prying than ever?"

Blink.

Sweatdrop.

Oro?

Kurama gazed incredulously at her, "Are you trying to disprove some sort of a point with that run-on sentence?"

Mary Sue had gone red, "Eh. . . uh. . . no, Kurama-san, she's just a bit under the weather. Time-portal jetlag, you know . . ."

"Hmm. . ." His brow wrinkled.

Beagle, who through this entire episode had been glowering profusely at the bleached-white space of printer-paper where their house was supposed to be, now spoke up,

"This is seriously irking me! I don't see why we can't decide on somewhere to live," she declared.

Typo turned to her, "Yeah, you're right. We should be able to handle this like mature almost-adults. We're reasonable teenage self-inserting fangirls, right?"

Hiei's eyes, which had been in the process of undergoing that remarkable transition from sharp and calculating to glazed and bubble-ee now snapped into focus.

"What was that?"

However, Hiei had, in reality, never heard Typo say anything of that sort and was merely craving a submarine sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato on rye bread.

"Huh. I suddenly find my lack of a submarine sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato on rye bread excruciatingly bothersome."

A jerk of everyone's gut, a flash of light, Twilight-Zone theme music, and the muffled sound of someone closing a lot of dresser drawers at the same time over and over again . . .

DAMN IT!

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Precisely (but not accurately) 73 crazy couplets, 29 quirky quatrains, and a senseless sonnet later, the weary fanficcers returned to their designated plot of land. Mary Sue spoke.

"It's your own fault, Typo. If it wasn't for your addiction to long and complicated descriptions of everything you have to speak about, this wouldn't have happened." She tried her hardest to repress a gleeful smirk. It sort of turned out like a jovial sneer. . .

"It's not MY fault! Beagle's typing, she can make me as OOC as she wants!"

WTF? Nuhuh, was that OOC, Typo?

_Sadly enough, no._

"You're not making this any easier, Authoress-Typo!" Typo fumed, and tried in vain to scratch her ear but couldn't because her arms were now too thick, stiff, and for that matter, hairy, to do so.

Kuwabara and Yusuke were falling all over each other in their mirth.

"Ahahaha. . .Whatta. . .it's a. . .WHOOHOOHOOHAHAHA! . . . .Damn, that's. . . EHEEHEEHEEHEE!" articulated Yusuke.

"GUFAHAHAHAHA! She'suh…. HOOHOOOHOOHA. . .man if IeeeEeeDuhuhuh!" Kuwabara pronounced.

"Beagle?" Typo turned her newly acquired, shiny plastic eyes pitifully up toward her friend, "Why did we write in such a moody Jury of Muffins? It wasn't my fault that I happened to break a rule during their only lunch break in 3 days!"

Beagle fixed her eyes on the hapless thing, "Well, we originally decided they would be blueberry muffins, and as you know, Typo, the blueberry ones have the sunniest disposition in general; however, the one time when they aren't happy is when they've been interrupted in the middle of eating. And, well. . .yeah. . ."

"HAHA!" Yusuke took this opportunity to slap his thigh in his amusement.

Typo's groaned. Her newly acquired, polyester-furred, plastic monkey body began to vibrate. Her limbs began to jerk too and fro and her head to bobble. Low-quality sounds of guitar back up sounded from speakers at her base and her plastic lips began to move.

"_Wild thing,"_

Darnar, neeear neear.

"_You make my heart sing"_

Darnar, neear neear,

"You make everything. . .groovy, "Wild thing. . ." 

Approximately 2 minutes later, the wretched, dancing gorilla ceased her vibrating and slumped over.

"Thanks for that, Urameshi," she mumbled.

But the respected and acclaimed demon-hunter was still rolling on the ground, tears of merriment gushing from his eyes, along with his companion, Kuwabara. Kurama couldn't help but snerk; Hiei simply lifted an eyebrow.

Suddenly, an ominous rumble rolled over the landscape.

"HEEEEEAAAAYYYY! WILD THANG!" declared Typo as the motion-activation prompted her to do a little jig-step. 

Another vibration, this one louder and so tremulous that it caused Beagle and Sue to fall to the ground and the Reikai Tantei to strike dramatic poses.

"GRRrrrrOOOoooOOOoooOOOVVVEEEHH!" 

"Damn it, turn that thing off, it'll blow our cover!" Yusuke said from his position standing spread-legged, knees bent, with one hand clasped around his spirit-gun hand and said gun pointing upwards, putting one to mind of a slightly shorter, louder, less sexy 4th Charlie's Angel.

Beagle searched the monkey frantically for an "Off" switch.

Typo squeaked, "Hey! BB, that tickl–!"

A new teeth-rattling resonance.

YOU MAKE ME WANNA DAAAANCE!" 

"No time!" Kurama said from between gritted teeth as he stood upright with his back to Yusuke clutching his Über Rose of Doowem between 2 fingers and holding his head at a slight angle.

"Smash it," Hiei said, nodding toward Sue and Beagle, his stance similar to Kurama's minus the Rose of Powah and mirrored to Yusuke's other side.

If Typo could have created a plastic sweat-drop to mold onto her hairy head, she would have done so at that moment.

"NO!" Sue and Beagle both clutched their former fellow Fangirl protectively.

Kuwabara, crouched with his sword raised over one shoulder, piped up, "Um, guys, don't we need some cover for her to blow, first?"

The Spirit Detectives were pondering that statement when suddenly, the dreaded Lernaean Hydra rose from behind the hill the large blank hole where the mansion would have been was sitting upon. The monster's 3 remaining heads reared and let forth 3 ear-splitting yeowls. Beagle buried her face in the gorilla's fur and cowered, human and toy located smack dab between the Hydra and the Reikai Tantei. Sue, by now, had speedily retreated behind Kurama and was clinging to his ankles, blubbering and spluttering like the most non-grovel-worthy of tyrannical dictatoresses. For once, he could have cared less.

The Hydra loomed, and here we say loomed in the most serious sense, not like give-me-your-milk-money loomed, over the group that was cast in its sizeable shadow. Being the big fat bully it was, it targeted the straggler of the herd, Beagle (and gorilla-Typo), and snaked its center-most head right up to her face, letting forth a contemptuous hiss. It raised its tail into the air and smacked it down causing a–

Darnar. Neear neear. DeearDeear, NeearNeear. Darnar. Neear neear. DeearDeear, NeearNeear.

Silence.

"_Wild thing. . . _

"_You make my heart sing. . . . ._

_You make everything. . .groovy. . ._

_Wild thing. . . ."_

The youkai cocked its heads inquisitively. The right one snorted. The left one pricked up its ears, swiveling around in search of the source of this strange new sound. The center one started. . . convulsively. . ._ bobbing. . ._

Yusuke lowered his finger. "No. Frikkin. Way."

Hiei put his hand to his forehead and sighed.

Kurama rolled his eyes to the heavens and began distractedly plucking petals from his Über Rose.

The mammoth creature was now swaying jerkily, its other heads having picked up on the tune.

Even the synthetic gorilla was disgusted as she did her groovy thing. But as the last twang of the recorded guitar sounded and Typo once more ceased her erratic movement, the Lernaean Hydra was forced to stop getting its funk on. This irritated it quite profoundly. It roared once more and tottered about, stomping and–

"HEEEEEAAAAYYYY! WILD THANG!" 

This seemed to soothe the pain at least slightly. The Hydra was a clever beast, and it knew how to get what it wanted–

THWACK

"GRRrrrrOOOoooOOOoooOOOVVVEEEHH!" 

THWACK

"YOU MAKE ME WANNA DAAAANCE!" 

Kurama leaned in towards one extremely disgusted Hiei.

"Do you think we should we make a run for it?" he suggested.

"I would, but I'm willing to bet that those two oafs of humans won't want to leave the gorilla-girl and her friends with that– that. . . ." he spat the next words out with difficulty, "_fearsome beast_ when she turns back to a human or whatever she is and stops dancing."

Kurama sighed and shook his head, "Why is it that humans are so attached to those of their own kind? Even the ones they despise?"

"Hmmph. You're one too, you know. I'll bet you couldn't leave them now if you tried." Hiei's mind-blowingly deep, masculine voice for one of his size dripped contempt.

The flower-fancier grimaced. For once, he had to doubt Hiei's emotion-deducing skills. However, the two didn't have any more time to ponder this sentiment, because at that moment the astonishingly clever monster realized that all of its dreams of becoming a professional song-and-dance youkai could come true if only it would pick up the gorilla and take it home to its lair to stay with it forever and ever. Apparently the beast hadn't heard of exhaustible batteries. But that being beside the point, it stopped jim-jiving long enough to whirl around and snatch Typo, hoarse and weary, from Beagle's grasp (with a not-so-stifled shriek from Beagle, we might add) and then, with a final thwack from its tail, stomped off to King of Hell Jr.-Knew-Where to boogie in its own privacy.

A slight breeze lazily brushed its fingers through the remaining beings' hair. Ten minutes later, they were still listlessly staring after the long-gone Lernaean Hydra, mouths still partially hanging open even now that there was nothing to ogle at but the blank white spot where the Megahouse was still absent.

Kurama couldn't help but contemplate, _Where the hell did an ancient, mythical Greek monster learn to appreciate retro Americana pop music?_

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Well, thurr yas haves it: Chapter 4, long overdue. Okay, I believe it's Sue's turn to AN.

_**SSSSSSUUUUUUUUUEEEEE!**_

Wait for it….

Waaaaaaaiiiiitttt………..

ACK! MY TIME TO SHINE! MOVE! Okay. Hello all, it is I, the Marvelous Mary Sue. I'm gonna keep this short cuz I've got a pack of DNAngel collectors' cards that's calling my name, but a bit of housekeeping here:

1. We don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. DUH! God, why does anyone even ATTEMPT to keep disclaimers original?

2. Yes, well, we know all too well that the Social Contract does not have a Dancing Gorilla Section, Clause, or Footnote, but Beagle was typing that part on a laptop which didn't have the 1st or 2nd chapter on it, and it is Beagle's memory we're relying on, here…. and come on, the prospect of forcing Typo to become a singing and dancing gorilla was just, well, just too good.

3. On that same note, we got lazy and didn't put in the whole court case for Typo's felony. Next time, you all shall get to read through the crazy couplets, quirky quatrains, and maybe a senseless sonnet or three… and we MIGHT throw in a harebrained haiku, but I'm not saying anything…. Incase you didn't catch the reason for her penalty, Typo was being manipulative and distortive of Hiei's character. GASHP.

4. You might have noticed that Typo's chapters have more Japanese language references and brainy-sounding YYH speak that me or Beagle's: deal with it.

5. I believe I shall have to buy Kurama a pair of toe socks. If you review this. . .I'm sorry, _WHEN YOU REVIEW THIS_, it would be oh-so-lovely of you to give me your opinion on color schemes for Kurama's ankles…..

6. The "Darnar neear"s and all that, they're like weird guitar-esque noises. . . No. I'm sorry. It was not some clever secret message encrypted from playing the Teletubbies theme song backwards on helium through a coffee filter. Not that we'd know anything about such things . . .

7.OroWTF? in Kenshin-ese.

8. Siredfathered, dammedmothered. It's dog-breeder speak. Use some windex on those dirty minds.

9. Wasn't Hiei's commercial t3h spiff?

10. You reviewers: You are the bomb-diggity. You have Sue's respect. You have her seal of approval. And I think you have her mint-green hair band, because she can't find it anywhere.


End file.
